Curious?

From time to time I get asked about my decisions to adopt as a single woman. Why didn't I just have a child of my own? Why did I choose Guatemala? Why did I want to adopt two children? Why did I choose to adopt gurlz?


Then there are those questions that I wonder if folks are just being nosy. Is their father Hispanic? Do they have a father? Are those your children? Deep down I really want to be snippy and snide, but I usually just politely answer as vaguely, yet truthfully, as I can.


But you want answers. No, you want the truth. You can't handle--well, maybe you can handle the truth.


I had always had adoption in the back of my mind as a way of adding to my family. Then when I was 35 I told myself that if I was not married by the time I was 40 I would adopt. Self fulfilling prophesy: I WAS single as I approached 40 (I might have to post about my dating "experiences" in the future). So I set out to explore adoption. At that point I had only really heard of women adopting from China, but I thought I'd research all the options, just in case. I was a ferocious reader of all things adoption: how to go about it, countries open to single women, costs, attachment issues, language and development, even possible questions I might get about adopting.


Cambodia just stirred something in me. I was not yet 40, a requirement for Cambodia at the time, but I continued to pursue that avenue. I chose an agency that got glowing remarks and recommendations; had a good reputation. I chose them and they said I could start the paperwork; we could time it so that I could submit the completed (mountain) of paperwork ON my 40th b'day. Things started getting "shakey" in Cambodia, but I thought "things will get ironed out soon, so let's go forward." (insert "Foolish Gurl" here) Right about the time I was about to submit my paperwork, the U.S. SHUT DOWN Cambodian adoptions. Wait a minute! My child was somewhere in Cambodia (I had not yet been referred a child, mind you.), and I had already paid my initial fee to the U.S. gov't to start this crazy process. But noooooooooooo, that program was closed to new applicants. (Funny, a certain Hollywood starlet, who was single at the time, had just narrowly gotten HER child out of Cambodia, her 1st adopted child.)


I had started to fall in love with all things Cambodian. I was beginning to read about the culture, the history and even look for a Cambodian Barbie (Barbie reigns supreme in my world). How could I NOT adopt from Cambodia? I called a friend of mine who had adopted from Guatemala. I lived in Mississippi at the time and he and his wife lived in South Carolina. While we were on the phone, while I was crying almost inconsolably, he emailed me a photo of his daughter. I had seen photos of her before, but that photo made me stop in my tracks. She was beautiful. Right then I decided on Guatemala. I did feel like I was "cheating" on Cambodia, that I was forsaking that country and those children, but Cambodia was not to be.


God has a plan. Remember I said that I had chosen a reputable agency? Well as things unfolded over the following years, it was discovered that the reputable agency had forged Visas and other documents, thus that contributed to the decision for the U.S. to suspend adoptions in Cambodia. Had it gone through for me, would my adoption have been completely legal and clean? I shudder to think. God was watching over the Stover Gurlz, and we weren't even able to add the Z to the end of Gurl yet!


I chose another agency, since the first one only dealt with Cambodia, and EVENTUALLY my Elaina came home to me. I won't go into the whole Hague mess of 2003/04, the shut down of PGN, the false starts in the process, the lack of communication coming from that country AND my agency, because Elaina DID come home. My gurl.


Fast forward a few years and I decided that Elaina did not need to be an only child. I had been an only for 7 1/2 years, NEVER asked for a sibling, didn't want her when she came. However, we are best friends now. I couldn't live without my sister. I wanted Elaina to have a sister. My thinking was that:
1. Elaina inherited an older model mother,
2. it was not guaranteed that I would ever find Mr. Almost Right (still looking) and she would have another parent and possible step-siblings,
3. I didn't want her to be "all alone" in this world when I finally left my earth suit.
So she needed a sister.


Don't get me wrong, boyz are wonderful. I love boyz. Boyz rock! However, I was not born to be the mother to a boy. (I won't go into the dirt, bugs, snakes, frogs, guns, Hot Wheels, Spider Man, dirt, trucks, bugs, mud, dirt thing that seems to accompany boyz.) Joely is very gurly in so many ways, but she is determined to bring some of the dirt, trucks, mud, dirt, Hot Wheels into our realm. Elaina is oh so gurly, my clean child. Joely is making me want to buy stock in Shout and Greased Lightning. But I love it, and her! I have the best of both worlds.


I adopted because there are children in this world who need a home. I didn't want to have a bio child on my own when there are so many already living and breathing in need of love and acceptance. If I could win a lottery (which would be impossible since I don't play them) I would adopt again, and yes, maybe a boy this time, who knows.


These are MY children, not my ADOPTED children. Just plain old my children. Yes, their father's are Hispanic, wish I knew more about them, and their birth mothers too.


If the kid is callin' me Mama, sittin' in my grocery cart, tellin' me about the minute details of kindergarten class today, and beggin' me for cookies/pop corn/Sprite/gummi bears, then the kid is MINE. Don't question it.